it might just all be a facade

Saturday, July 21, 2007;

♥ 7/21/2007 05:56:00 AM

Everybody got smth
They had to leave behind
One regret from ytd
That just seems to grow with time>>

Im feeling disturbed and frustrated, both emtionally. ):
And i cant find the right words to put my feelings across.

Yknow, recently ive been finding life's a burden and i dont exactly have any joy in my life.
Is it about school? I dont know. But i know that im getting used to school already. Getting used to the fact that ive to wake up at this time, leave hse at this time to catch the bus, attend my lectures and tutorials, and then leave class almost immediately to hang around with the fairsians in school.
Is it the changed environment? Is it the different people? Is it the loved ones that i lost along the way of growing up? Is it the pain that ive gone thru, thru the journey? Is it you who chaged so much?
Or is it just simply me?
I find it so tiring having to put on different masks when im at different places. Having to put up one which states 'oh-wenfang-is-a-happy-girl' when im in class, to show that im hey, actually involved and having fun in class. Having to put up one which states 'hey-it's-time-to-be-strict' when im having redcross. Having to put up one which states 'no-im-not-sleeping' when im having tutorials/lectures.
And it's so tiring that sometimes, my masks just dropped one by one, leaving nothing but my bare naked true emotions on my face. And that is : h e l p l e s s .
How much longer do i have to bear with those fake masks? How much longer do i have to wait, til i realised the meaning of joy? =l

The different people around me makes it difficult for me to open up my true, bottled down feelings. I cant remember the last time i really open up my heart, and have a heart-to-heart talk with someone. I cant remember the last time i pour out my troubles and ended up crying. I cant even remember that last time, me having a nice chat with anyone.
Nothing likes to be left on that dirty shelf, alone. Nothing likes to be bottled up and kept somewhere for a gazilliong years. And no one likes to be left alone, without a listening ear, and a companion to walk with til the end.
I lost that pair of listening ears that once belonged to me. I lost firm shoulders which once belonged to me. I lost that reassuring handgrip and hug that once belonged to me. I even lost a true soulmate, who once stood by my very side. It's true saddening, to have almost everything you could wish for, and then poof! You lost it, all.
Human nature aint it? When youve got the things you asked for, you arent thankful for them and you often take the for granted. When one day, you find yourself being left alone, and all the things you once had lost, you will beg for their return, cos you finally realised their worth after so long.
But hey, it's too late. Far too late.

To have it all
And let it slip away;

&maybe things will be fine after awhile.